How to tell you are low class

Mea Culpa

This one is bound to offend those low class folks who are easily offended by class-calling so be forewarned.  The trouble here is that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, and a good deal of which side you are on is determined by which side you want folks to think you are on at the moment.  Classes are whatever the hell you want them to be, as any good object oriented programmer knows.  Sometimes everybody wants to be low class, because that's where the real people are.  Other times, you want out of there when there's been a bit too much reality thank you very much, and you try to get to higher ground.  Lets see if you can get out of there.  Anyway, in no particular order, here's a list of ways to tell you are low class.

1)  You've never 4th classed any 5th class terrain

What is it, constantly afraid of your own incompetence and unable to trust yourself for a moment?  Maybe just inflated self-importance leading to intolerance for risk and general inaction?  Or just, never been exposed to any exposure at all?  Never heard of the Yosemite decimal system?  Either way, it doesn't sound good does it.  To be fair, you can probably weasel out of this one by saying you once climbed a ladder without a rope and harness on.

2)  You imagine expensive objects will make you higher class

Can you think of anything lower class than wearing a giant diamond on your finger?  It's hard isn't it.  "But wait the advertisment said...  "  Lets not go there.  On this topic I often wonder how it is that baseball players have come to wear necklaces.  It happened quickly.  Nobody would have done that a couple of decades ago.

At first it is tempting to take this at face value.  The player is not comfortable with their big salary and bank account, because of course these are counterparty risk arrangements.  If the bank run were to arrive mid-game, what would the third baseman do?  Well thankfully, he is wearing a big piece of gold and so will do fine if his banks all go under and he is forced after the game to trade for passage on a ship out of N. America, or for food for his daughters, or whatever else.  Better safe than sorry right?  Better keep some gold on your person.

Well that might be the traditional reason for wearing the gold but in this case the psychology is perhaps more subtle.  Consider: The player is trying to appear low-class.  After all, it's not like there is any need to advertise financial success here.  The guy's salary is being discussed on 660 AM.  So the reason could be to counteract this and appear like a lower class person.  It's like a throwback to the struggling gangsta.  Right?  "Look at me I wear brands and chains and stuff, I'm really a prole not some snooty elitist", could be the statement.  Or maybe these guys just like how it feels and looks, and I'm being a low-class schmuck for reading too much into it.  You decide.

Other signs of low class living in this category: all luxury goods, including designer handbags, caviar, lobster, swiss watches, lamborghinis, etc.  Oddly enough, these things are usually purchased not to attempt to look high class but to attempt to appear low class.  And people will pay anything for that privilege.  "I am so gangsta.  Check these Air Jordans.  Jeeves get the check for that."  Right.

I admit it.  I like high class women.  This is why all it takes is the sight of an expensive brand name handbag and I am out of there.  No thank you.  Oh it's fake you say?  Lets get a cup of coffee.

3)  You care too much about what class you are

This one is obvious.  Why do you care what these other folks think about you in this regard?  I mean, if you have a reason such as you are trying to rob them or get them to not notice you for a whatever reason, then that's great.  If you have a job to do, then do it.  If not, then stop caring.  It's low class.  Go do something useful instead, such as build personal power rather than cast it aside for nonsense.  I mean seriously, some dwarf on the internet said you are low class and this is somehow a problem?

4)  You don't know what biological class you are.

It's absolutely mind blowing how many people consider themselves "not animals" and simply have no clue at the most basic level what wetware they are running on.  I'm not talking about more advanced analysis of what is the self, the ego, the id, resonating your consciousness up to the level of Gaia etc.  Just the absolute kindergarten basics here.  Your class is fucking Mammalia.  Now that you know it, you no longer classify for this entry on the list.  You can still pretend though.

5)  Excessive Patriotism

This one is obvious as hell.  If you put a sports team logo as the major influencing factor in your life, there's not much else there, is there.  That's some low class shit.  Flag waving is a proud voodoo tradition so I won't include that in generality but when it's a so-called "nation" and football isn't involved, you're either really low class, or pretending to be so.  If you have a job to do, do it - but don't go overboard.  Or go ahead and go overboard, after all if you want to look like lower class just chant the name of any tax regime totally out of context.  This usually works.

6)  You handle fiat currency

Yet another no-brainer.  The amounts you deal with don't matter in the slightest.  The point is that you are spending your time and effort dealing with some units, either on websites, on paper notes, in exchange for labor, wherever or whatever it is.  Use expressions like "worth a million dollars".  Meanwhile, the higher class folks are simply creating these units at no cost.  You think the queen of England ever needs to count GBP?  "My guy will tip you.  Meanwhile he will tip himself."  That's more high class.  I mean, anyone with a legacy consumer bank account is obviously low class.  Right?

7) You are mortal

This one is more subtle but if you are willing to accept an axiom then it becomes the most solidly grounded in logic item on this list.  The axiom:

There exists a living individual that is low class.

Got it?  Think of one and picture him/her/it in your head.  It could for example be an ant you saw earlier perish under your boot.  Or maybe that stray dog, or an armored cop, or whomever you like.  Now consider this: this individual was suddenly born, and will suddenly die.  Just like you.  You are in fact the same class aren't you.

8)  You own a car and drive it often.

This one might be controversial.  Of course, if you are a hobbyist, afficiando, mechanic, this doesn't apply.  I'm talking about the poor suckers who are sitting in their wheelchairs on the parking lot at rush hour, unable to read a book or stretch their legs.  Waiting in lines to be dropped off by mom and dad right at the door of the school, because nobody trusts you could withstand exposure to the world.  Speaking of which:

9)  You've never been out of doors.

This means specifically you've never knelt and drank water directly from a mountain stream.  Or never taken a shit in the woods.  Or never fallen asleep while watching the stars.  Well this isn't really low class, more like just sad really.  What world could such a person imagine themselves to be a part of?


Well this list can go on and on forever but I'll stop here while I'm behind.  Class dismissed.